SUICIDE WARNING SIGNS

By Ugochukwu Damian Okpara
(Originally Published in NSPP 2019 Anthology)

self-harm like cutting behaviours:
 
my body is a shame inflicted on me
when i say me; i mean the girl in me
i cut myself open to set her free
i swear! this is far from suicide
i am only a cartographer
with knives, i make maps on my thigh
every wound is a road leading to death

​frequently talking about death:
 
my childhood folklores teach
that death wears a black cloak
i do not know but i do know that death is void
i do not think of death like you think
i am not void; a girl lives in me
& i often find my body on the peak of a mountain
i want to jump off; i hear her calling down
i only want to be her saviour
& i’m also terrible at hallucination
 
making funeral arrangements:
 
i love cotton wools
soft like my mother’s voice
when she calls me nna & i love to play games
to call the duvet a shroud
i do not like funerals like the kids in my hometown
i prefer the smell of formalin to rice
 
negative views of self:
 
i do not like this body
i like the one after this body
the one that flutters my hands
& swings my hips like the tongue of a bell